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She can’t remember if she had nightmares, she says. Rather, she had a vivid image that she knew was not a real memory, “but it’s like a representation of how I felt.”
In fact, the children of the choir sat cross-legged on top of each other to stay away from the office door. “But in my mind I stand among all these people who sit and cry alone. This feeling of isolation and loneliness began to happen immediately. “
Martin and the other students finished the school year at another high school in the city. Later, she saw a private counselor four or five times. But looking back, she minimized her injuries, she said, despite fears for her life.
“I was not physically injured and I did not lose a loved one. I thought, Someone is worse. I have no right to fight. ”
But she endured many struggles when she went to a community college. He had trouble coping emotionally.
“I remember feeling isolated, lonely, angry – oh my God, so angry.”
She develops an eating disorder and is involved in leisure drugs.
However, she rejected the role of trauma.
“I know I’m not well, but I refused to believe it had anything to do with Columbine. It was last year. “
In retrospect, she says, “That’s funny.”
Traumatic memories flooded the college. About six months after the shooting, she was sitting in English class at the college when the fire alarm went off during a routine workout.
“It was the first time I was blinded by a trigger,” she said. “I just started crying in the middle of English class.”
She remembered the other students looking at her confused.
There were other reminders. The Columbine killers shot many of their victims in the school library. When a professor commissioned work involving library research, Martin told him, “It’s really hard for me in libraries, especially in schools.”
When she tried to enter the campus library, she recalled, “I’m sitting there looking at the exit. My heart rate is high. There is no focusing because I keep looking at the entrance. “
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