Can’t stop fighting? What to do differently as a couple

The problem with all of these ways of dealing with conflicts is that they like being aware of what is actually happening to you and your partner in the present. This is where the awareness of the aperture comes from.

During a conflict, start paying attention at all times while communicating with your partner. Notice your sense of openness or closedness, also known as your emotional aperture.

Aperture awareness is a felt sensation. Just as we do not “see” when we consciously think about the information our eyes absorb, we do not realize our emotional openness through thought and analysis. Rather, we learn to feel it, to realize it, and then to pay close and careful attention. Just ask yourself, “Do I feel open or closed right now?” Draws your attention to this feeling. With practice, the attempt to realize the aperture becomes more accessible.

The open aperture is a feeling of security, relaxation, trust, optimism. The closed aperture is felt as danger, caution, pessimism, anxiety, worry. Some people register them physically. Looseness, softness and warmth often signal the opening of the openings. Tightness, stiffness or coldness, especially in the chest, abdomen or face, often coincide with a closed opening – yours or your partner’s.

At all times with your partner, and especially in moments when you feel difficult, check your openness. Are you open at the moment? Is your partner open? Compare your perceptions. This is how you become better at noticing and using this extremely important information.

Once you have this ability, you can begin to use it to shape your interactions for more trust and satisfaction. When you’re both open, it’s like a green light to move forward to talk, listen, play, and connect. When one or both close, respond by slowing down. Ask what changes you can make to your conversation so that each of you can reopen it.

The trick here is to stay engaged and aware, but to move from thinking to feeling. We use our sense of openness or closedness to guide us in creating an open relationship. And for most of us, this will feel difficult, uncomfortable and frustrating. We are probably still not good at this in the same way we are good at other things. But it is better to uproot the right tree badly than to uproot the wrong tree well.